The Confidence Blog

This morning I looked in my sock draw for a pair of socks that would match my outfit, and found a pair of dark green/gray socks.

When I got outside I noticed that my socks were not green/gray, but chocolate brown!  I was stunned, and guessed it was probably the lighting in my bedroom.  So I decided when I got to my destination, I would take my socks off because they didn’t match what I was wearing.

When I went to take my socks off, I saw they were no longer brown, nor green/gray, but an olive green.  No I do not own a pair of chameleon socks! My best guest was the overhead lights were filtering out the color red which made my socks brown. 

And that got me thinking on how we use filters on people and on ourselves.  Our filters are like the color spectrum, we can color our experiences, with prejudices, and judgments from past experiences, family culture, etc.

So I ask you, what filters are preventing you from having high confidence and self-esteem?

Do you have a filter of self-doubt?
Do you have a filter of not good enough?
Do you have a filter of having to be right?
Do you have a filter of expectations?

How can these filters affect your confidence and self esteem?

Let’s say you are overworked, and want to ask your boss to hire additional help.  BUT, you lack the confidence to ask.

Your filters might be…
1. You doubt yourself in your ability to convince your boss why extra help is needed.
2. You don’t want your boss to think you aren’t good enough because you can’t do the work by yourself
3. You are convinced hiring extra help is the only solution and can’t see any other way.
4. You expect your manager to say no.  So why bother?

How can you remove these filters and let all of your confidence and self-esteem soar!

First – recognize your filters.  Become aware of what you say to yourself.  Become aware of your attitude, and feelings.

Second – decide to change it.  Make a commitment to remove your filters.

Third – Find resources to help you. Read books, join groups, find tools that work for you, get a coach, or a mentor.
Fourth – act on your commitment.  Implement and Practice.  Implement –DO IT.   And Practice, Practice, Practice.  You are not going to remove years of behavior in one day.  It takes 21 days to change a habit, and rewire your brain.  Remember – practice does make perfect, only if you put it into practice.

Fifth – be kind to yourself, and accept that you are in the perfect place right now!

What will happen when you remove your filters? 

Self doubt becomes self assurance
Not good enough becomes loving and accepting you.
Having to be right becomes opening to possibilities.
Expectations become living in the moment.

Most importantly, your self esteem and self confidence will begin to grow! 

Remember, holding on to these filters, stops your true self from shining through. 

I encourage you to let all your colors shine!

To Your Success!

Diana

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First, let’s start building your self-esteem.  I believe, when you build your self-esteem your self-confidence builds automatically.  When you feel good about yourself, you take risk, and when you take risk, you increase your confidence. 

How do you do that?

I know for me, in the past, when I would look in the mirror I would list all the things I didn’t like about myself.  It would start with my hair, my mouth, my chin, and I would go down to my toes.  That would start a chain reaction and then I would think about the stupid thing I said, or get angry for saying yes, when I wanted to say no.  It would usually leave me feeling unhappy. 

Now that I look back, I see how I set myself up for disappointment and failure, every day.  I am happy I have learned how to change my way of thinking.

Start with, accepting who you are, accepting how you look, accepting where you are at this moment.  Accept it.  It is what it is.

Does that mean you are stuck feeling, looking or acting this way forever?  No.  Change takes time.  Change takes commitment.  Change happens when you WANT it, not because you think, you SHOULD want it.

Answer the following questions:

Question number one:  Do you want to like what you see in the mirror?  On the other hand, do you think you Should like what you see in the mirror?

Question number two:  If I had a magic wand, and you could change instantly, what would you like to see in the mirror?  How would you feel?

Question number three:  Are you willing to make a commitment to yourself?

Question number four:  Are you willing to be consistent and patient, while the changes unfold?

If you haven’t answered yes to all the questions, then ask, “what is my fear?”  Fear keeps us safe.  Change makes us take Risk. 

If you have answered yes, that’s GREAT!  Keep these answers handy and read them whenever you need a reminder on what you want, and how you want to feel.

Here is an exercise you can do.

Every time you look into the mirror, throw yourself a kiss and say, “I appreciate and love you” and then find one thing about your body that you like.  It could be anything.  When I did this exercise, I started with my nose.  It was the least offensive feature I thought I had.  To remind myself, and to be consistent, I taped a note on my mirror and wrote, “Diane, have you loved yourself today?”

At first, I use to laugh, and I couldn’t really look into my eyes.  On good days, I would joke around.  On bad days, I would grumble.  Nevertheless, I did it every day.  I was consistent because I wanted to be happy.

 Then something changed, I started doing it more often, instead of once a day.  I started to look at me not to find something wrong, but to find something nice.  I had nice feet.  I had nice nails and then it would be, I love to laugh, I love a challenge, I love . . . the list continued to grow.

One day, I was washing my face and looked into my eyes, and saw how pretty they were.  I have to admit, I was taken a little aback, until I realized, my eyes were no longer sad, but happy.  I saw the change, and I felt the change.

That gave me momentum.

Answer the questions, and do this exercise.  Soon you will hear yourself say. “I am confident and I truly like what I see in the mirror!”
Remember, LOVE you, you are WORTH it.

Love ya,

Diana

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Here is a confidence question I recently received.

Where do I even begin when I’ve lived a life of 36 years with virtually zero self-confidence? I know I need to learn to be my own best friend and give myself what I can’t get from others, but how do I do that?

Where do you begin? You have already begun, because the first step is knowing you want to make a change.  You are already aware that putting yourself first is best and that your happiness comes from within you, and not from others.  Congratulation on this awareness. 

Have you ever ask yourself “What does self-confidence mean to me?”

If someone were to ask you “Do you know how self confidence and self esteem look, feel and sound to you?” What would you answer? 

I’ve discovered people say they want more confidence and more self-esteem. When asked to describe it, they can’t, because they do not have a clear picture of what it feels, looks and sounds like.

Also, if you ask a group of people, you will probably find that everyone has a different idea what self-confidence means to them.  The reason is because we all see our world through our own life experiences.  These experiences, coupled with personal need create unique filters in which we view people, events and the world.

A few years back, I remember my sister and me reminiscing about our childhood. We started to talk about this particular incident that happened.  As we discussed the incident, I noticed not only did she have a completely different experience than I did, she also remember the incident differently from me.  I was astonished!  She believed what she experienced was true, and so did I.  It was the beginning for me to understand how we could both be right.  I was realizing even though we grew up in the same house, and had pretty much the same experiences, we were different people, with our own set of values, personalities and beliefs. 

This is why I think it is important to be clear on what self-confidence and self-esteem mean to you.

In order to find out, write on a piece of paper all the qualities ‘you think’ you need to be self-confident. (Remember to be specific).

Next look at your list.   All the qualities you already possess, highlight, check off, or put a happy face, next to it.

The qualities on your list you didn’t check off will be what you will work on.  Now prioritize them and work on them one at a time. 

My experience is when you try to change everything at once; you get overwhelmed and give up, and therefore, set yourself up for failure.  Look at your list and prioritize the qualities anyway you want.  Such as easiest to do, or strongest desire to change.

Now pick one quality on your list and start practicing. For example: Let’s say one of the qualities you would like to have is asking for what you want.  When the first opportunity for you to ask for what you want comes up, you take it.  It might be scary, but you do it.  Then another opportunity comes along, and another, and another, and another, and with each opportunity you ask for what you want.  You will find that it gets easier and easier until one day it will become natural for you to ask for what you want.  When you have mastered this quality, go onto the next.

This exercise will help you increase your confidence levels.

To Your Success!

Diana

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