The Confidence Blog

Here is a confidence question I recently received.

Where do I even begin when I’ve lived a life of 36 years with virtually zero self-confidence? I know I need to learn to be my own best friend and give myself what I can’t get from others, but how do I do that?

Where do you begin? You have already begun, because the first step is knowing you want to make a change.  You are already aware that putting yourself first is best and that your happiness comes from within you, and not from others.  Congratulation on this awareness. 

Have you ever ask yourself “What does self-confidence mean to me?”

If someone were to ask you “Do you know how self confidence and self esteem look, feel and sound to you?” What would you answer? 

I’ve discovered people say they want more confidence and more self-esteem. When asked to describe it, they can’t, because they do not have a clear picture of what it feels, looks and sounds like.

Also, if you ask a group of people, you will probably find that everyone has a different idea what self-confidence means to them.  The reason is because we all see our world through our own life experiences.  These experiences, coupled with personal need create unique filters in which we view people, events and the world.

A few years back, I remember my sister and me reminiscing about our childhood. We started to talk about this particular incident that happened.  As we discussed the incident, I noticed not only did she have a completely different experience than I did, she also remember the incident differently from me.  I was astonished!  She believed what she experienced was true, and so did I.  It was the beginning for me to understand how we could both be right.  I was realizing even though we grew up in the same house, and had pretty much the same experiences, we were different people, with our own set of values, personalities and beliefs. 

This is why I think it is important to be clear on what self-confidence and self-esteem mean to you.

In order to find out, write on a piece of paper all the qualities ‘you think’ you need to be self-confident. (Remember to be specific).

Next look at your list.   All the qualities you already possess, highlight, check off, or put a happy face, next to it.

The qualities on your list you didn’t check off will be what you will work on.  Now prioritize them and work on them one at a time. 

My experience is when you try to change everything at once; you get overwhelmed and give up, and therefore, set yourself up for failure.  Look at your list and prioritize the qualities anyway you want.  Such as easiest to do, or strongest desire to change.

Now pick one quality on your list and start practicing. For example: Let’s say one of the qualities you would like to have is asking for what you want.  When the first opportunity for you to ask for what you want comes up, you take it.  It might be scary, but you do it.  Then another opportunity comes along, and another, and another, and another, and with each opportunity you ask for what you want.  You will find that it gets easier and easier until one day it will become natural for you to ask for what you want.  When you have mastered this quality, go onto the next.

This exercise will help you increase your confidence levels.

To Your Success!

Diana

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Would you believe failing can be a good thing?

Failing can allow us to learn from our mistakes.
Failing can allow us to determine what we really want.

In my opinion, it is considered failing when whatever happens keeps you stuck.  You start beating yourself up, and don’t take the risk to try again.  If you tend to do that, then yes I can see why you would think you have failed.

The successful confident person is the one who ask questions and tries again and again until they succeed. 

The other day I was speaking with a friend and I was telling her what I had just discovered one of my limited beliefs.  I was reading Napoleon Hill and he was speaking about Andrew Carnegie on how he went from nothing to having more than 100 million dollars.  And the thought and feeling came over me that he is the exception, not the norm.  Now with all my training and my own life experience I know that statement was based in fear, not logic, because I know we can have and do anything we want to, because we create our own reality.  So I did some EFT on the new information that came up, and released the feeling and thought that only Andrew Carnegie could do this, because he was a rare breed ,and I wasn’t in his league.  It made me realized how fear could make me feel like a failure. 

I remember when I was working on my self-confidence issues I use to think I was a failure, and how I was afraid of failing.  For me it was because they would be right.   “They” were my elders and my family.  My family culture was to find a job, and stay in it until you died, and it didn’t matter if you hated it.  Security was the top thing.  You had to be secure.  YOU DON’T TAKE ANY RISK! Then I came along, someone who always wanted to do things differently.  Against my family wishes, I would try something different, and sometimes it wouldn’t work out, and I would have to deal with, I told you so. 

What happened?  I started to be conditioned to not take a risk until I was sure I was going to succeed.  And I ended up doing exactly what I didn’t want to do.  Getting into jobs I hated.  Afraid to leave the security, the steady, and I might add, low paying salary. 

Starting my self-confidence journey has been the biggest risk I have ever taken.  I had to learn how to change old patterns and old ways of thinking.  Yes, I have make mistakes, and at times have fallen back into old patterns, but I’ve learned to learn from those mistakes, and now see the opportunities they present.   I no longer see them as failures.

When you ask yourself what if I fail? Instead ask, where is the opportunity? What can I do next to succeed?  What have I learned? What can I do differently? Once you have answered your questions, reevaluated, and ask do I still want this? Asking this question will help you clarify on what you really do want.

As you can see, failing can be a good thing.  Me personally, I don’t like the word failing, I prefer to say, “Well, that didn’t work, what can I do to make it work?”

Remember, the only person who can make you feel, think and sound like a failure is you.  The next time you ask yourself the question “What if I fail?”  Immediately ask, “How can I succeed?”
 
To Your Success!

Diana

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I would like to take this moment and express my deepest condolence to John Travolta and Kelly Preston on the passing of their son, Jett.  They are in my thoughts and prayers.

My sincere wish for them is that they quickly pass through the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance).  Also, for the media to respect their grief, and let them mourn their son in private.

Warm Regards,

Diana

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Happy New Year

Are you ready to make life changes in 2009?
Will you be starting 2009 with clarity, gratitude, and by taking action OR with pessimism, lack of direction and excuses?

To succeed in 2009, it’s important to have an attitude of gratitude, create SMART goals, take inspired actions, and be with supportive people.

By creating SMART goals you can be successful.

What are SMART goals? 

SMART goals are:

Specific
Measurable
Achievable
Realistic
Timed

You probably have already created a few New Years resolutions, but have you reviewed all your successes for 2008?

To help you become more successful in 2009, I am offering a FREE Success Test to help you see what your current levels of success are in each area of your life. Use this test as a foundation to start creating your SMART goals to increase your levels of success in everything that you do. 

To Your Success in 2009!

Diana

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I love this time of year because there is a spirit of giving, and loving.  It’s also a time of reflection.  How was 2008 for you? 

Take a moment and review your year.  If you kept a journal, this is a good time to reread some of you entries. Did you hit any of your goals? 

As you review, I invite you to look for all the insights you have received, and all your successes, big or small. I also invite you to count your blessings, gratitude’s, and appreciations.

I appreciate all the people who have contacted me with their confidence question.  I am grateful for the opportunity to be of service.

Thank You, and whichever holiday you celebrate, may it be filled with happiness, joy and peace.

Bless you all,

Diana 

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This weekend I was watching a movie and a little girl was saying how she would feel pretty if she had a new dress.  The adult in the movie was telling her it’s how you feel in the inside that counts.  She said that was self-confidence.  For me, I thought it would be self-esteem. So I got to thinking, what is the difference between self confidence and self-esteem?

According to the dictionary:

Self -Confidence: belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities; self-reliance; assurance

Self –Esteem: reflects a person’s overall evaluation or appraisal of her or his own worth. Self respect.

My definition:

Self Confidence is about your ability.  Do you think you can do a good job? Do you think you can accomplish something you put your mind to?

Self Esteem is about the self.  How do you feel about you?  Do you like you?  Do you love you?  Do you have self worth?

Low Self Confidence is about fear of performing and low self-esteem is about not loving you.

Example:  Let’s say you have to give a presentation to a large group of people, and you are extremely nervous, because you are afraid of making a mistake. This would mean you lack confidence, because you question your ability.  On the other hand, you are afraid, because you are afraid of how people will judge you.  This would mean you lack self-esteem, because you are questioning your own self worth.

I have found that self-confidence and self-esteem go hand in hand. As you start to love and trust yourself your self esteem improves, and as your self esteem improves, you start to take risks, because you feel good about you.  When you take risks, your self confidence improves, because now you are doing things you’ve wouldn’t have done before.

The same thing happens when you start increasing yours self confidence.  As your self confidence builds, your self esteem improves, because you start counting your success, which make you feel good about you.

I no longer worry about self confidence or self esteem.  I just focus on being the best me, and showing up as my authentic self.  When I do I have both self confidence and self esteem.

How about you?  Are you ready to live as your authentic self?  The first step is commitment.

Are you ready to commit?

To Your Success,

Diana

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Imagine an actor at rehearsal.  In the scene, he is standing in the middle of the stage practicing his monologue.  A fellow actor comes up to him and gives him advice on the best way to do his monologue if he wants to do a good job.  After the person walks away another fellow actor approached him, and tells the actor that their way is the best.  Mind you, each suggestion given to the actor is completely different from the other.  Though, the suggestions are not bad, it’s not the way the actor would do the scene.  In fact, the actor is very good. He believes in the play and understands the character’s motivation.  He just lacks confidence and self-esteem.  Because of this lack, he starts questioning himself when given the acting critiques.  Therefore, he puts aside his beliefs, style and interpretation and tries to incorporate both suggestions into his performance.

Opening night comes and it’s time for the actor’s monologue.  While he is performing, he is trying to incorporate the advice given him.   Everything they said is swirling around in his head, making him second-guess himself.  He allows his doubt to block his true talent, and it manifest in his performance.  He doesn’t reach the audience. He flops.  He now sees himself as a failure.  When he has to act again, he questions his ability, and he starts becoming afraid to act until he stops completely.

Now image the same scenario.  When the two people give him their advice on how to act, he still listens, only this time he accepts the suggestions he thinks will enhance his performance. He has the confidence in his ability and talent.  When he is on the stage for his monologue, his passion for acting, the play and the character he is playing comes out and touches the audience.  They feel it and respond with thunderous applause.

Which scenario matches the events in your life?

In the first scenario, the actor allows others to undermine his belief in his ability.  He accepted their truth over his truth. He also accepted what happen as a failure, instead of seeing it as a learning experience.  He could have let this teach him to trust his talent, passion and innate abilities. And see the “failure” as a way to improve and grow.

Do you find yourself doing this?  When something goes wrong, when you “fail” do you beat yourself up, or you blame someone else?  Or do you view it as a learning experience, and ask “How can I do this different next time, so I can succeed?”

The reason we make mistakes is so we can learn and improve.

In the second scenario the actor listen to the others, but when he went on stage he did what felt right for him.  He heard the words that were true for him.  He saw himself as the character and his joy for acting radiated from him.  That joyful energy reached the audience.  If he “failed” he would have looked at the error as an opportunity to grow, and improve. Instead of being afraid to act again, he would be looking forward to act so he can put into practice his new learning. 

When something doesn’t work out like you have planned, do you start to beat yourself up?  Do you hear yourself say

I’ve failed
I am no good
I can’t do anything right.

Then

STOP

And instead ask,” What did work, and what can I improve?”

Give yourself credit for what went right – focus on the success.  If you can’t do that, then start with giving yourself kudos for trying.  But count your success and change what you don’t like.

Remember – the only person who can give you confidence is YOU.

To your success,

Diana

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For those in the US we will be celebrating Thanksgiving.

I would like to share some of the things I am thankful for with you.

I am thankful for all the new people I have meet this year, who have enriched my life.  Most encounters were pleasant, and some were challenging.  I am grateful for both because they have allowed me to redefine what I want.

I am thankful for the new consciousness that is evolving.

I am thankful for my teachers, Rhonda Britten, Karen Curry, Wayne Dwyer, Jack Canfield and especially Esther & Jerry Hicks (Abraham) who’s programs have allowed me to reach heights I never thought I could achieve.  I’ve been taught by the best.

I am thankful for my desire to learn, grow and show up in this world my authentic self.  Without my desire and wanting, I wouldn’t have gotten as far as I have.

I am thankful that I have this blog which allows me to share what I have learned, and teach how you too can successfully implement confidence into your life.

Now take a moment and write down what you are thankful for and share it with others.

Have A Happy Thanksgiving!

Diana

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I had a friend come to me the other day and thank me for a tip I gave her. In our previous conversation, she was telling me she couldn’t fall asleep at night because she would start thinking about everything she had to do the next day. She was focusing on all the things she hadn’t accomplish that day, and all she had to do the next day. Her mind working overtime, and she found it difficult to fall asleep. The more she thought about how much she had to do, the more overwhelmed, and stressed she became.

In our conversation, I had given her a suggestion. I suggested she focus on what did get done, instead of focusing on what didn’t get done. Like counting sheep, count your successes. Then you will see how much you have accomplished and you will feel satisfied.

She told me she was lying in bed, thinking of all the things she didn’t get to that day, and all she had to do the next day. While she was lying in bed getting stressed out and overwhelmed, she said “I heard your voice in my head telling me to review my day and list all my successes. I did and started feeling better and fell asleep.” The next night she started thinking about all she yet had to do. She said again my voice came into her head, and she started making a list of all she did that day. She took her children to get new shoes, went to the cleaners, made dinner, washed, folded and put away clothes. And the list went on. She said she fell asleep not feeling stressed, overwhelmed or guilty. She told me now she does this every night before she goes to sleep.

She took action! And every night she continues to take action. If she continues for 21 consecutive days, she will create a new habit. Like brushing her teeth every night she will automatically review her day and count her success. She will also find it will become easier and easier to fall asleep stress and worry free.

This technique can be used in any area of your life. When you continually list and acknowledge your successes, instead of focuses on your failures, you will see your self-esteem, and confidence improve.

To Your Success!
Diana

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One of the things I had discovered when I started my journey to building confidence was that I didn’t have a support system.  The Law of Attraction states, like attracts like, and I soon realized I had attracted people around me who supported my low confidence and low self-esteem.

I had thought I could do it alone, but when I came across those moments when I needed someone to listen to me, or encouragement, I felt my aloneness.  My friends and family were already annoyed that I was changing and changing the dynamics of our relationship.  So when I came to them, they were happy to assist me, and would help me like they always had, by encourage me to complain, and set blame.  Mind you, this was all done on a subconscious level.  It wasn’t mean spirited; they were acting as they always had.  I was the one who felt, saw and heard the difference, because I was the one who had changed.

When I realized the people I had surrounded myself with could not provide the type of support I needed to continue to grow, I put out an intention to attract people who were either on the same path as me, or who had already mastered it.  And they came.  I found people in support groups I attended.  I found them when I pursued my coaching and hypnosis certification.  I found them at expos.  I found a very special person, who I hired as my coach.  I made new friends and I continue to make new friends.  Now when I am having a stressful day or am down, I reach out to a support buddy, or my coach.  They allowed me to vent, but not complain.  They guide me to find my own solutions, because we all have the correct answer for us.  Our higher self, our intuitive self, knows what is good for us.  Sometimes we just need to clear the stuff in front of the door so we can open it and see our solution.

So I encourage you, if you don’t have a healthy, positive support system in place.  Get one.  All you have to do is ask.

To Your Success,
Diane

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