The Confidence Blog

This morning I looked in my sock draw for a pair of socks that would match my outfit, and found a pair of dark green/gray socks.

When I got outside I noticed that my socks were not green/gray, but chocolate brown!  I was stunned, and guessed it was probably the lighting in my bedroom.  So I decided when I got to my destination, I would take my socks off because they didn’t match what I was wearing.

When I went to take my socks off, I saw they were no longer brown, nor green/gray, but an olive green.  No I do not own a pair of chameleon socks! My best guest was the overhead lights were filtering out the color red which made my socks brown. 

And that got me thinking on how we use filters on people and on ourselves.  Our filters are like the color spectrum, we can color our experiences, with prejudices, and judgments from past experiences, family culture, etc.

So I ask you, what filters are preventing you from having high confidence and self-esteem?

Do you have a filter of self-doubt?
Do you have a filter of not good enough?
Do you have a filter of having to be right?
Do you have a filter of expectations?

How can these filters affect your confidence and self esteem?

Let’s say you are overworked, and want to ask your boss to hire additional help.  BUT, you lack the confidence to ask.

Your filters might be…
1. You doubt yourself in your ability to convince your boss why extra help is needed.
2. You don’t want your boss to think you aren’t good enough because you can’t do the work by yourself
3. You are convinced hiring extra help is the only solution and can’t see any other way.
4. You expect your manager to say no.  So why bother?

How can you remove these filters and let all of your confidence and self-esteem soar!

First – recognize your filters.  Become aware of what you say to yourself.  Become aware of your attitude, and feelings.

Second – decide to change it.  Make a commitment to remove your filters.

Third – Find resources to help you. Read books, join groups, find tools that work for you, get a coach, or a mentor.
Fourth – act on your commitment.  Implement and Practice.  Implement –DO IT.   And Practice, Practice, Practice.  You are not going to remove years of behavior in one day.  It takes 21 days to change a habit, and rewire your brain.  Remember – practice does make perfect, only if you put it into practice.

Fifth – be kind to yourself, and accept that you are in the perfect place right now!

What will happen when you remove your filters? 

Self doubt becomes self assurance
Not good enough becomes loving and accepting you.
Having to be right becomes opening to possibilities.
Expectations become living in the moment.

Most importantly, your self esteem and self confidence will begin to grow! 

Remember, holding on to these filters, stops your true self from shining through. 

I encourage you to let all your colors shine!

To Your Success!

Diana

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First, let’s start building your self-esteem.  I believe, when you build your self-esteem your self-confidence builds automatically.  When you feel good about yourself, you take risk, and when you take risk, you increase your confidence. 

How do you do that?

I know for me, in the past, when I would look in the mirror I would list all the things I didn’t like about myself.  It would start with my hair, my mouth, my chin, and I would go down to my toes.  That would start a chain reaction and then I would think about the stupid thing I said, or get angry for saying yes, when I wanted to say no.  It would usually leave me feeling unhappy. 

Now that I look back, I see how I set myself up for disappointment and failure, every day.  I am happy I have learned how to change my way of thinking.

Start with, accepting who you are, accepting how you look, accepting where you are at this moment.  Accept it.  It is what it is.

Does that mean you are stuck feeling, looking or acting this way forever?  No.  Change takes time.  Change takes commitment.  Change happens when you WANT it, not because you think, you SHOULD want it.

Answer the following questions:

Question number one:  Do you want to like what you see in the mirror?  On the other hand, do you think you Should like what you see in the mirror?

Question number two:  If I had a magic wand, and you could change instantly, what would you like to see in the mirror?  How would you feel?

Question number three:  Are you willing to make a commitment to yourself?

Question number four:  Are you willing to be consistent and patient, while the changes unfold?

If you haven’t answered yes to all the questions, then ask, “what is my fear?”  Fear keeps us safe.  Change makes us take Risk. 

If you have answered yes, that’s GREAT!  Keep these answers handy and read them whenever you need a reminder on what you want, and how you want to feel.

Here is an exercise you can do.

Every time you look into the mirror, throw yourself a kiss and say, “I appreciate and love you” and then find one thing about your body that you like.  It could be anything.  When I did this exercise, I started with my nose.  It was the least offensive feature I thought I had.  To remind myself, and to be consistent, I taped a note on my mirror and wrote, “Diane, have you loved yourself today?”

At first, I use to laugh, and I couldn’t really look into my eyes.  On good days, I would joke around.  On bad days, I would grumble.  Nevertheless, I did it every day.  I was consistent because I wanted to be happy.

 Then something changed, I started doing it more often, instead of once a day.  I started to look at me not to find something wrong, but to find something nice.  I had nice feet.  I had nice nails and then it would be, I love to laugh, I love a challenge, I love . . . the list continued to grow.

One day, I was washing my face and looked into my eyes, and saw how pretty they were.  I have to admit, I was taken a little aback, until I realized, my eyes were no longer sad, but happy.  I saw the change, and I felt the change.

That gave me momentum.

Answer the questions, and do this exercise.  Soon you will hear yourself say. “I am confident and I truly like what I see in the mirror!”
Remember, LOVE you, you are WORTH it.

Love ya,

Diana

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I imagine my body is like a piano, ready at a moments notice to confidently play beautiful uplifting music.  All I have to do is keep it in tune. 

Keeping yourself in tuned is a consistent process.

First – know what you want

Second – let go of the fear of not having it

Third – when you see an opportunity, take ACTION!

It’s time to start changing your thought patterns.  When a thought and feeling comes up that doesn’t support what you want, change it, or let it go.  Reinforce your issue with a new thought and better feeling.  When you do this, the Law of Attraction will kick in.

What happens when you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings?   On the physical side, your brain will start to “rewire” itself, to match your new behavior and thought patterns.  In order to make permanent changes in your brain, and behavior, YOU MUST be consistent.  Consistency is the key to making life changing habits. 

Also, your body, will tell you the truth.  Therefore, it is important to become aware of your feelings and where you feel them in your body. 

Here is a body/feeling connection exercise you can do.

Take a deep cleansing breath – close your eyes and think of something sad, feel the feeling and see where you feel it in your body.  Then do the same for anger, frustration, and hopelessness.  Where in your body do you feel these feeling?  Now, repeat the exercise and see where hope, happiness, joy, peace and love are n your body. 

Knowing where these feelings are in your body will help you determine when you are in or out of tune.

Sadness, anger, frustration and hopelessness will keep you out of tune with source energy, whereas love, joy, peace and happiness will connect you to source energy, the universe, GOD, or whatever higher power you believe in.

When someone or something hits a key and you feel yourself playing out of tune, you know it’s your signal to “tune the instrument.” Remember playing with a tuned instrument will keep you connected with source energy, the universe or GOD

And, being connected is the way to manifest a joyful, fulfilling life.

Did you ever listen to music that brought you so much joy it raised your vibrations, and you felt so much love toward the world and everyone in it? 

Imagine feeling that all the time.  You can, when you stay In Tuned!

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As I was driving to work I realized that I had allowed my friend to put a fear into me that I normally didn’t have.  Her fear eroded my self confidence in driving on a particular road.

Let me explain.

Every day I drive the same road, it is called a bypass, and it ends at a curve.  A couple of weeks ago I was driving with my friend. We were laughing having a good time, until we approach this curve.  All of a sudden she screamed and said WATCH OUT.  Immediately my heart started to race, and my instincts kicked in.  I grabbed the wheel tighter, checked my mirrors and looked around for impending danger. All while in the middle of taking the curve.

When I ask her why she screamed, she said she thought there was ice on the road, and thought we were going to slide.  Mind you, it was a clear day, and the road was dry.  I assured her the road was fine.  I had experience and confidence with this part of the road, because in the last 8 months I have driven the road 5 days a week in all sorts of weather.

I thought the incident was over, but today I realized it wasn’t.  What happen… the very next time I reached the same spot; I heard her scream and felt myself lose my confidence. I was afraid I was going to go into a skid.  Then as the memory started to pass away, day by day, I wasn’t aware I was losing my confidence on that stretch of road.  Even though I wasn’t conscious of it, my body and behavior told another story.  I would slow down, I was unsure, my body would tense slightly, and I would hold my breath.  Then I started to rationalize.  Well her screaming WATCH OUT was a warning for me not to drive to fast, or I needed to learn how to slow down, or, maybe, I needed to take a safer route.

Last week, as I was driving, I started to think about the curve and I was 5 miles away!  Then it hit me, her actions had undermined my confidence.  I allowed her action to undermine my confidence.  I didn’t do it consciously, but unconsciously.

 As I was driving I could see it clearly.  What happened to me is what I call a typical impact moment.  A moment that impacts you forever, fear goes pass your conscious mind directly into your unconscious mind.  This is how a limited belief, fear or a phobia is created.  I was in an emotional happy place, and BAM – fear was directed at me.  That fear went directly into my subconscious mind.  Visually I can see it in my minds eye, you know those yellow signs, caution when wet?  Well, that is what I see, so anytime I was near the curve or any other curve like it, CAUTION and DOUBT came up. My subconscious mind was at work keeping me safe.

What happens is when fear by-passes the conscious mind, and goes directly into the subconscious mind, the subconscious minds holds on to it, so when a similar danger occurs, we take natural precaution. Meaning we react instead of act.

I am very appreciative of having this insight and awareness, because now I can reprogram my subconscious mind.

Here is the process I used to eliminate my fear.

Awareness
Decide
Action

Awareness: I became aware because I listen to my body and thoughts.

Decide:  Once I was aware of my problem, I made the decision to change it.  I no longer wanted the fear to rule my life.

Action:  I took action by picking the tool that would serve me the best.  I could use EFT to tap it away. I could use the Sedona Method and release it away. Or I could use Hypnosis and eliminate the fear and replace it with confidence.

That is what I did. 

I no longer think or worry about reaching the curve.  Sometimes when I remember, I just give a little laugh and think how foolish I was.

Find the tool, or combination of tools that will help you release your limiting beliefs, fears or phobias.  

Your subconscious will thank you.

To Your Success!

Diana

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Here is a confidence question I recently received.

Where do I even begin when I’ve lived a life of 36 years with virtually zero self-confidence? I know I need to learn to be my own best friend and give myself what I can’t get from others, but how do I do that?

Where do you begin? You have already begun, because the first step is knowing you want to make a change.  You are already aware that putting yourself first is best and that your happiness comes from within you, and not from others.  Congratulation on this awareness. 

Have you ever ask yourself “What does self-confidence mean to me?”

If someone were to ask you “Do you know how self confidence and self esteem look, feel and sound to you?” What would you answer? 

I’ve discovered people say they want more confidence and more self-esteem. When asked to describe it, they can’t, because they do not have a clear picture of what it feels, looks and sounds like.

Also, if you ask a group of people, you will probably find that everyone has a different idea what self-confidence means to them.  The reason is because we all see our world through our own life experiences.  These experiences, coupled with personal need create unique filters in which we view people, events and the world.

A few years back, I remember my sister and me reminiscing about our childhood. We started to talk about this particular incident that happened.  As we discussed the incident, I noticed not only did she have a completely different experience than I did, she also remember the incident differently from me.  I was astonished!  She believed what she experienced was true, and so did I.  It was the beginning for me to understand how we could both be right.  I was realizing even though we grew up in the same house, and had pretty much the same experiences, we were different people, with our own set of values, personalities and beliefs. 

This is why I think it is important to be clear on what self-confidence and self-esteem mean to you.

In order to find out, write on a piece of paper all the qualities ‘you think’ you need to be self-confident. (Remember to be specific).

Next look at your list.   All the qualities you already possess, highlight, check off, or put a happy face, next to it.

The qualities on your list you didn’t check off will be what you will work on.  Now prioritize them and work on them one at a time. 

My experience is when you try to change everything at once; you get overwhelmed and give up, and therefore, set yourself up for failure.  Look at your list and prioritize the qualities anyway you want.  Such as easiest to do, or strongest desire to change.

Now pick one quality on your list and start practicing. For example: Let’s say one of the qualities you would like to have is asking for what you want.  When the first opportunity for you to ask for what you want comes up, you take it.  It might be scary, but you do it.  Then another opportunity comes along, and another, and another, and another, and with each opportunity you ask for what you want.  You will find that it gets easier and easier until one day it will become natural for you to ask for what you want.  When you have mastered this quality, go onto the next.

This exercise will help you increase your confidence levels.

To Your Success!

Diana

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Would you believe failing can be a good thing?

Failing can allow us to learn from our mistakes.
Failing can allow us to determine what we really want.

In my opinion, it is considered failing when whatever happens keeps you stuck.  You start beating yourself up, and don’t take the risk to try again.  If you tend to do that, then yes I can see why you would think you have failed.

The successful confident person is the one who ask questions and tries again and again until they succeed. 

The other day I was speaking with a friend and I was telling her what I had just discovered one of my limited beliefs.  I was reading Napoleon Hill and he was speaking about Andrew Carnegie on how he went from nothing to having more than 100 million dollars.  And the thought and feeling came over me that he is the exception, not the norm.  Now with all my training and my own life experience I know that statement was based in fear, not logic, because I know we can have and do anything we want to, because we create our own reality.  So I did some EFT on the new information that came up, and released the feeling and thought that only Andrew Carnegie could do this, because he was a rare breed ,and I wasn’t in his league.  It made me realized how fear could make me feel like a failure. 

I remember when I was working on my self-confidence issues I use to think I was a failure, and how I was afraid of failing.  For me it was because they would be right.   “They” were my elders and my family.  My family culture was to find a job, and stay in it until you died, and it didn’t matter if you hated it.  Security was the top thing.  You had to be secure.  YOU DON’T TAKE ANY RISK! Then I came along, someone who always wanted to do things differently.  Against my family wishes, I would try something different, and sometimes it wouldn’t work out, and I would have to deal with, I told you so. 

What happened?  I started to be conditioned to not take a risk until I was sure I was going to succeed.  And I ended up doing exactly what I didn’t want to do.  Getting into jobs I hated.  Afraid to leave the security, the steady, and I might add, low paying salary. 

Starting my self-confidence journey has been the biggest risk I have ever taken.  I had to learn how to change old patterns and old ways of thinking.  Yes, I have make mistakes, and at times have fallen back into old patterns, but I’ve learned to learn from those mistakes, and now see the opportunities they present.   I no longer see them as failures.

When you ask yourself what if I fail? Instead ask, where is the opportunity? What can I do next to succeed?  What have I learned? What can I do differently? Once you have answered your questions, reevaluated, and ask do I still want this? Asking this question will help you clarify on what you really do want.

As you can see, failing can be a good thing.  Me personally, I don’t like the word failing, I prefer to say, “Well, that didn’t work, what can I do to make it work?”

Remember, the only person who can make you feel, think and sound like a failure is you.  The next time you ask yourself the question “What if I fail?”  Immediately ask, “How can I succeed?”
 
To Your Success!

Diana

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Imagine an actor at rehearsal.  In the scene, he is standing in the middle of the stage practicing his monologue.  A fellow actor comes up to him and gives him advice on the best way to do his monologue if he wants to do a good job.  After the person walks away another fellow actor approached him, and tells the actor that their way is the best.  Mind you, each suggestion given to the actor is completely different from the other.  Though, the suggestions are not bad, it’s not the way the actor would do the scene.  In fact, the actor is very good. He believes in the play and understands the character’s motivation.  He just lacks confidence and self-esteem.  Because of this lack, he starts questioning himself when given the acting critiques.  Therefore, he puts aside his beliefs, style and interpretation and tries to incorporate both suggestions into his performance.

Opening night comes and it’s time for the actor’s monologue.  While he is performing, he is trying to incorporate the advice given him.   Everything they said is swirling around in his head, making him second-guess himself.  He allows his doubt to block his true talent, and it manifest in his performance.  He doesn’t reach the audience. He flops.  He now sees himself as a failure.  When he has to act again, he questions his ability, and he starts becoming afraid to act until he stops completely.

Now image the same scenario.  When the two people give him their advice on how to act, he still listens, only this time he accepts the suggestions he thinks will enhance his performance. He has the confidence in his ability and talent.  When he is on the stage for his monologue, his passion for acting, the play and the character he is playing comes out and touches the audience.  They feel it and respond with thunderous applause.

Which scenario matches the events in your life?

In the first scenario, the actor allows others to undermine his belief in his ability.  He accepted their truth over his truth. He also accepted what happen as a failure, instead of seeing it as a learning experience.  He could have let this teach him to trust his talent, passion and innate abilities. And see the “failure” as a way to improve and grow.

Do you find yourself doing this?  When something goes wrong, when you “fail” do you beat yourself up, or you blame someone else?  Or do you view it as a learning experience, and ask “How can I do this different next time, so I can succeed?”

The reason we make mistakes is so we can learn and improve.

In the second scenario the actor listen to the others, but when he went on stage he did what felt right for him.  He heard the words that were true for him.  He saw himself as the character and his joy for acting radiated from him.  That joyful energy reached the audience.  If he “failed” he would have looked at the error as an opportunity to grow, and improve. Instead of being afraid to act again, he would be looking forward to act so he can put into practice his new learning. 

When something doesn’t work out like you have planned, do you start to beat yourself up?  Do you hear yourself say

I’ve failed
I am no good
I can’t do anything right.

Then

STOP

And instead ask,” What did work, and what can I improve?”

Give yourself credit for what went right – focus on the success.  If you can’t do that, then start with giving yourself kudos for trying.  But count your success and change what you don’t like.

Remember – the only person who can give you confidence is YOU.

To your success,

Diana

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One of the things I had discovered when I started my journey to building confidence was that I didn’t have a support system.  The Law of Attraction states, like attracts like, and I soon realized I had attracted people around me who supported my low confidence and low self-esteem.

I had thought I could do it alone, but when I came across those moments when I needed someone to listen to me, or encouragement, I felt my aloneness.  My friends and family were already annoyed that I was changing and changing the dynamics of our relationship.  So when I came to them, they were happy to assist me, and would help me like they always had, by encourage me to complain, and set blame.  Mind you, this was all done on a subconscious level.  It wasn’t mean spirited; they were acting as they always had.  I was the one who felt, saw and heard the difference, because I was the one who had changed.

When I realized the people I had surrounded myself with could not provide the type of support I needed to continue to grow, I put out an intention to attract people who were either on the same path as me, or who had already mastered it.  And they came.  I found people in support groups I attended.  I found them when I pursued my coaching and hypnosis certification.  I found them at expos.  I found a very special person, who I hired as my coach.  I made new friends and I continue to make new friends.  Now when I am having a stressful day or am down, I reach out to a support buddy, or my coach.  They allowed me to vent, but not complain.  They guide me to find my own solutions, because we all have the correct answer for us.  Our higher self, our intuitive self, knows what is good for us.  Sometimes we just need to clear the stuff in front of the door so we can open it and see our solution.

So I encourage you, if you don’t have a healthy, positive support system in place.  Get one.  All you have to do is ask.

To Your Success,
Diane

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Like a thief in the night, stress will steal your confidence.  I know this from personal experience. 

In the past when I was stressed I found it easy to fall into old destructive habits and patterns of bad behavior. The doubt, negative self talk, the confusion, being overwhelmed, frustrated, procrastinating, giving up, beating myself up and not taking care of me by putting my well-being first.  I would find myself on the defensive, instead of being in control of me.

Fortunately, now when this happens, I now have tools to stop it from going any further. For example, depending on what I need, I’ll use the Sedona Method, EFT, Self-Hypnosis, or talk to a supportive friend who will allow me to vent, but not complain.  I’ve learned how to stop, take a moment, pay attention to the conversations in my head and not take it personally.

Dealing with your stress, will not only keep your body healthier, but it will also clear your mind and allow you to make empowered decisions.  It will let you take control of your life.

Start dealing with your stress today.

Here are some tips for preventing stress from robbing your confidence.

1. Don’t allow people to take their frustrations out on you.  I have a friend who tells her employer, “I don’t get combat pay” when her employer or someone in the company would yell and scream at her over an issue. 
2. Learn how to say no. Especially if you don’t want to do it.
3. Stop, take a moment, and take 3 deep breaths.  With each breath inhale calmness, and exhale the stress.
4. Don’t make it your problem. Let others be responsible for their own actions, thoughts and feelings.  You don’t have to fix anyone’s problems.
5. Don’t try to be perfect. You don’t have to know and do everything.
6. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
7. Reach out to coworkers, spouse, friends and family who can give you emotional support. 
8. Look for the correct tools to help you stop everyday stress and effectively deal with unavoidable stress.
9. Look for the silver lining.  Ask yourself, what you can learn, or how can you do it differently next time.
10. Let go and stop worrying about things for which you have no control. 

 
Remember,  a Stress Free day is a Confident Day!

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If you really want to become more self-confident and have more self-esteem, then you are going have to be willing to change.

Building your confidence and esteem is not an overnight process.  It takes commitment, dedication and desire.  It takes finding the tool that will work for you and integrating them into your daily life.

What do I mean by integrating? I mean putting into practice what you learn every day. 

It is similar to when you learned how to walk. Have you ever watched a baby learn how to walk?  First they crawl around. Then they pull themselves up and hold onto something, a table, couch or someone’s hand while finding their balance. Once they have found their balance they then take that first step.  They don’t immediately get up and start running. No they repeat the process over and over, and with each repeating they become steadier and take more risk.  They continue until they find that perfect balance and are walking without assistance. When that happens, they don’t think about it anymore, because it becomes second nature.

The same thing happens when building your self-confidence and self-esteem.  The couch, table or helping hand, can represent books, seminars, or a coach.  Once you have found your balance, the tool that inspires you, you can then start practicing.  As you put into action what you have learned you will find that every day, you will become stronger and find that balance which will allow you to be more confident. Before you know it you won’t even have to consciously think about what to do, or how to act.

You will start:
Feeling good about yourself,
Asking for what you want
Willing to try something new
Loving yourself
Putting yourself first.
AND. . .

You can be, do and have anything you want!

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